Be Kind

Today was my first day back at work. It's the first time I've only had to focus on work without any other obligations- like studying, planning my vacation or looking for houses. Surprisingly I adjusted quite well, and I was fairly productive up until around 3pm when I lost my motivation and got a headache. My headache lasted all the way up until now, so I ended up lazing around in my room watching Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (my guilty pleasure!)

It's nearly bedtime, and I haven't done any of the things I hoped to do. I wanted to do yoga and read in bed. When I was walking home from work I had a very vivid vision of myself curled up in bed with a cup of tea reading my newest book, 'Awaken the Giant Within' by Tony Robbins. Unfortunately, things didn't turn out that way, and I now feel restless and annoyed with myself. My first evening to myself- and I wasted it! Still, there's no point in negativity. I need to remind myself:

BE KIND!!!

Negativity does serve a purpose in our lives. It tells us when we are doing something we are not comfortable with. It helps guide our decisions, and teaches us what not to do. It's important to respect negativity, and to put effort in towards understanding it. It's also equally important for us to not let negativity overwhelm us.

Why am I feeling negatively right now? I'm upset that I used my time in what I see as a non-productive way. I wanted to do something good for me- like exercise, or relax. Instead, I spent my time watching a show that doesn't contribute towards my life at all. I have pent up energy that I haven't used, and I'm upset that my day is over before I feel like it even started. 

What should I do next time? Firstly, although watching RHOBH isn't 'productive', it isn't necessarily bad either. I do enjoy it, and it does help me relax. Perhaps I spent too much of my time watching it today, but I shouldn't beat myself up over it. I have no pressing obligations. Next time, I should rest to alleviate my headache, and then spend my time doing something I know I won't regret, like an exercise video.

Writing Break

I am back! I went on holiday last week and ended up taking a writing break. Ben and I rented a villa in Dubrovnik with my friend Angela and her husband Chris. We went last Saturday and stayed for a full 7 days. It was beautiful. Croatia is lovely, and I miss the slow pace already. Every morning we woke up and had breakfast on the terrace. We could see the Old Town below us, Lokrum (an island) in front, and the sea stretching all the way past the horizon. I will do a full holiday post later (since Ben has all the photos on his phone), but I had some thoughts about holidays that I wanted to share...

Yoga on the balcony...do I look enlightened?

 I had a marvellous time on holiday. It was great to unwind, spend some time with the people closest to me and get in touch with nature. However, I couldn't let go of my anxiety. It was always present, persistently hanging at the back of my mind. We had Wifi at the apartment, and every time I got home  I immediately checked my work email and messages. Although I do feel more relaxed now, it wasn't enough for me to totally let go. It was a small, lovely break in my life- but it wasn't enough to transform my life.

Beautiful view...but not enough!

I've realised that I'm the type of person that needs my entire life to be in balance. I see life as a work in progress towards a greater, more meaningful goal. I cannot tolerate living in a way that is not consistent with my values. At the moment, I feel my life is very unbalanced. My work, although stable with fantastic opportunities for career progression, is not suited to me. As a consequence, I feel like I need to 'escape' by pursuing instant gratification- such as shopping and going on holiday. I consider myself to be someone who is self-aware, and immensely focused on personal development. I'm happy that I have these thoughts and am able to dissect them, but it doesn't take away from my present malaise. 

Writing this blog has been good for me. I think I am the only one who reads it, but I still enjoy writing for my imaginary audience! I love writing and exploring my thoughts. Someone once told me that writing should be my 'play time' and I should write without goals or expectations. I created this blog to do that, and every time I write a post it feels like a little personal achievement.

Me and Angela

My relationships, my health and my quest for meaning are all very important to me. At the end of the day, I need to focus on what matters. 

Recent Times

The past week or so has been HECTIC!! I finished my exams last Wednesday, and immediately went straight into house hunting. On Thursday I went back to work and spent most of my time arranging house viewings. Friday was much of the same, and on Saturday we had house viewings from 9.45-3.15. On Sunday I spent the day clearing out my stuff to prepare for the move. Monday was more house viewings, and then Tuesday was house viewings and dinner with a friend. On Wednesday we made a decision, but it's all been a bit crazy. I also had to prepare for going on holiday, which we do tomorrow morning!! I had to buy some summer clothes and clean my room/pack/etc before we left.

In more fun news, I had really great Malaysian food with Ben! The flat we went to is around the corner from the Malaysian Embassy, where they have a canteen. It was cheap and tasty. The photos aren't great, but I promise it was really good!

I also caught up with an old friend from uni! It was great to see him. We had dinner at Bubba Gump, walked around Soho, had drinks and then went for ice cream.

The ice cream was delicious. I felt so indulgent. We went to Scoop, in Soho. It was open surprisingly late (around 10pm). I had to leave afterwards because the ice cream melted all over me.

INFJ Issues...

Link: http://www.16personalities.com/infj-strengths-and-weaknesses

• Always Need to Have a Cause – INFJs get so caught up in the passion of their pursuits that any of the cumbersome administrative or maintenance work that comes between them and the ideal they see on the horizon is deeply unwelcome. INFJs like to know that they are taking concrete steps towards their goals, and if routine tasks feel like they are getting in the way, or worse yet, there is no goal at all, they will feel restless and disappointed.
• Can Burn Out Easily – Their passion, poor patience for routine maintenance, tendency to present themselves as an ideal, and extreme privacy tend to leave INFJs with few options for letting off steam. People with this personality type are likely to exhaust themselves in short order if they don’t find a way to balance their ideals with the realities of day-to-day living.

Remind me why I'm an IT auditor again...?

I think I'd be hard-pressed to find another job that's so poorly suited to me.

Anxiety

Today was a hectic day. I arranged a bunch of viewings for today, so Ben and I had to wake up early. We woke up a little late, so I became quite stressed and yelled at Ben a bit. It makes me very anxious to be late and I can become quite moody, but Ben is very good at calming me down. It ended up being fine. Our viewings were shorter than I expected, and we ended up seeing 7 houses today! We haven't made a decision about which one to choose (or even where to live), but I feel like we made progress.

I like my life to be very organised, but obviously life doesn't always work out that way! If it were up to me, I would choose a house today just to make a decision. It makes everything very tidy. Ben prefers to be more relaxed and make decisions last minute. Sometimes it causes us to clash, but I think overall it brings out the best in both of us. Ben needs to plan ahead, and I need to relax more. I'm grateful he is in my life. I can rely on him, and he encourages me to live in the present. Thanks Ben!

On another note, we watched Julie & Julia (the movie is finishing as I type!) It's a very charming movie; I highly recommend it. Very touching and sweet, with lots of delicious food! We had leftover takeaway curry as we watched it. Julia Child would approve...right?

Yellow

Yellow is a happy colour. Here are some yellow things that make me happy:

Dan tats (Chinese egg tarts)

(Credits to: http://lisaptran.tumblr.com)

I had the most delicious egg tarts in Chinatown last Sunday. The other food wasn't great, but the egg tarts were lovely. Tiny and creamy with a flakey crust. Yum! We ordered two sets.

Eggs 

I eat eggs almost every day (sometimes multiple times a day). Here are some pictures of some egg dishes I've made recently:

Soft-boiled eggs with avocado, chilli flakes and cherry tomatoes on whole wheat bread

Scrambled eggs with cheddar cheese, chilli flakes and avocado on whole wheat bread

You can't see from the pictures, but the colour (especially for the scrambled eggs) is incredibly vibrant. I think it comes from the cheese and cream mixed in.

Diary

Obviously not all diaries are yellow, but mine is. A neighbour had put this and a bunch of other books out on the street to give away, and I couldn't resist. 

I haven't finished my current diary yet, but I'm excited to start this one.

Yoga

I just did a short session of yoga and I feel a million times better. I've been feeling distracted and tired due to an excess of MENTAL exercise and a deficiency in PHYSICAL exercise.

I can't wait until my exams are over. Soon I can get back into my routine of eating healthily, exercising and having time to myself.

Ben

I would like to dedicate my post to Ben.

Ben is my boyfriend. He is silly and cuddly. He makes me laugh every day, and makes me feel loved every second. He is the perfect combination of spontaneous, romantic and intelligent.

(Here is Ben. I also think he is very handsome...but I might be the only one)

I felt a bit frustrated today. Nothing seemed to go as planned, and I was beginning to spiral into negativity. My narrative went something like this:

Wake up.

Too lazy to start revising. 

Lie in bed and go on computer.

Stay in bed for hours, do nothing and feel guilty.

Go to a coffee shop with Ben.

Feel annoyed at the service.

Feel shocked when we get the bill.

Go home and revise for hours until I am brain dead.

Watch mindless TV and feel frustrated.

Watch the film adaption of Anna Karenina and feel like my brain is turning to static.

Go to bed in a terrible mood because I have spent the entire day revising, topped off by watching grotesque and indulgent film adaption of a great novel.

I knew I had to blog before going to bed, so I tried to think of something positive. Then I realised I could change my narrative into something like this:

Wake up.

Lie in bed and go on the computer.

Sleep in and relax before starting revision.

Spend a lovely morning in bed with Ben.

Go to a coffee shop with Ben, who offers to carry my heavy revision material.

Enjoy exploring the quirky shops in Shoreditch on the way to the coffee shop.

Go into a chocolate shop and get a free sample. (Which was delicious. I completely forget about this!)

Find the coffee shop and relax in each other's company while waiting for our coffee and food to arrive.

Admire the atmosphere.

Eat and start some light revision.

Ben kindly offers to pay the bill, and carries my bag again.

Go home and revise for hours until I am brain dead.

Ben goes out and buys the ingredients to cook me dinner, which I have requested.

After eating, Ben cleans up immediately without me nagging him.

Watch mindless TV and feel frustrated.

Watch the film adaption of Anna Karenina and feel like my brain is turning to static.

Go to bed in a terrible mood because I have spent the entire day revising, topped off by watching grotesque and indulgent film adaption of a great novel.

Start writing my blog and realise Ben has done multiple nice things for me throughout the day, and I haven't taken the time to appreciate them.

Feel happier.

Revision and TV may still suck, but my boyfriend is truly one of a kind. 

Thank you Ben for being eternally thoughtful and adoring to me. You can't beat the revision blues, but you came close. I love you.

I love...

...the feeling when you read a truly wonderful book. It feels sort of like this:

- your throat constricts, your head feels heavy and your eyes water like you're about to cry;
- everything moves around you in slow motion, and you forget about the rest of the world and even the rest of your life;
- there is a very profound sense that something important is happening in these moments;
- you feel at peace.

I have experienced no greater joy than reading a good book. It's positively life-affirming. It opens your mind to the vast and beautiful possibilities that are available.

(In case you were wondering...highly recommend!)

Other people can go and bungee jump and drink and run around to get their kicks. I will continue to live inside my head.

Side bonus: after I finish I book, I start to narrate everything that's happening around me.

"I stare outside the window and look at the bright blue sky, the white clouds floating by, and the tree gently swaying in the wind. Everything seems very distant to me; they are there, and I am here, separate from them."

I am inspired by reading, but my writing is not inspiring...geddit?

Birdsong

Living in a particularly ugly part of London, I often feel depressed about the lack of greenery. I daydream of living in a large, Victorian building with a small garden and trees lining of streets.

So it was a delightful surprise when I woke up to the sound of birdsong this morning. My bedroom window faces an empty carpark (!!), and I could hear them twittering outside. It was nice to wake up with the birds. I lay in bed and watched the sunshine filter through the windows, and curled up next to Ben.

Now, I will continue to dream of living in a house where I can open my window and look out into a garden and breathe in fresh air...less than 2 months to go until my moving date!

Eggs

I love eggs.

Recently it seems the only thing I've been eating is eggs. Scrambled or soft-boiled eggs on toast, with  lots of butter and a smashed avocado on top. Always for breakfast, if I have time, and sometimes for dinner as well.

The other day I made scrambled eggs. Two eggs, a dash of cream, a pinch of chillies and some grated cheddar cheese. I also pan-fried some cherry tomatoes with sugar and two slices of bacon. When I put them together, they looked delectable. The eggs were especially beautiful- they had turned a lovely, bright yellow. The texture was perfect. I gobbled it up.

Aren't eggs marvellous? It made my day.