Naps

Naps are the best! Today has gone much better. I woke up to an email stating my login details for the INFJ course which was a big relief. Ben and I made breakfast (omelet with bacon, tomatoes, cheese, rosemary and thyme, fresh bread and baked beans) and then I did 20min of yoga and had a nap. I slept for almost 2 hours! After I woke up, I felt a million times better. It was so refreshing! I haven't been sleeping well, so to have 2 hours of deep sleep felt A-MAZ-ING.

Afterwards, we went to Brick Lane market and bought lots of food. I had plantains and peanuts as a snack. The people running the stall were so lovely, I couldn't resist buying from them. Plus, I love bananas (plantains, bananas...what's the difference?) They were so kind, and in such an open way. I felt they were sincerely nice, and interested in getting to know everyone who came to their stall. It's so rare to meet people like that these days. Later, we ate and watched David Attenborough documentaries. I did 30min of yoga, and now we're going to watch Fresh Off the Boat. I need to wake up at 1am to watch the live version of the INFJ course, so it's going to be an early night. I can't wait!

Murakami

I'm still feeling unsettled. Yesterday I did 45 minutes of yoga which helped calm me down a little, but not as much as I would have liked. I signed up for an INFJ course on Quistic which is supposed to go live tomorrow, and I still haven't received the joining instructions. I sent one email yesterday and one email today, but there was no reply. I feel very edgy about this. I have been checking my email constantly. It's not a good feeling.

Normally I am able to calm myself down, but after being under stress for a long period of time, it takes time to adjust. I feel like I have been blasted apart into little fragments, and I need to pick myself up piece by piece and put myself back together. I like to relax by being by myself, doing yoga, listening/watching Okanokumo on Youtube and...most importantly...reading Murakami.

I discovered Murakami by chance. When I was home one Christmas, my Mom took 1Q84 from the library. The book cover was intriguing, and I decided to read it. I had never read Murakami before so I had no expectations.

Credit to: http://40.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m8mrg4nc7C1qaeg0mo1_1280.jpg

It's hard to describe how I felt when I first read 1Q84. It was like I had been put into a serene trance. Even though the storyline was strange, I felt that there was an undercurrent to his words that spoke to me and calmed me. Since then, I've read a number of his books and I feel that way every time. One book I keep on reading is 'South of the Border, West of the Sun.' It's quickly becoming one of my favourites.

I've learned that I express myself better in writing. When I'm speaking, I get too caught up in the moment and I'm unable to express the fullness of my emotions. When I'm writing, I can have time to think. Still, sometimes it's hard to find the perfect words...and that's where Murakami comes in. I've learned that there are emotions too complex to express in a few words. Sometimes you can only feel them when doing something different, like listening to music or reading a good book. Reading Murakami, I feel like I can dive into these types of emotion. When I'm caught up in the busy-ness of my life, I forget about them. They are swamped by stress and day-to-day obligations. Still, I always return to them when I read. 

Busy Bee

It has been 15 days since I last published a blog post. Note: I didn't say wrote, I said published. I actually wrote a few posts when I was at work, but I never got around to submitting them. When I'm in the mood and have spare time, I write when I'm at work. I don't like publishing anything on my work computer, though. I actually think it's against our company policy. Still, I've written far less than I've wanted to.

The past few weeks have been HECTIC. Work has been pretty crazy. Things haven't been going well on my project. To tell you the truth, they sort of imploded. I do not like criticism or tight deadlines, and I've had to deal with both. Although I've been learning a lot, it's put me in a bad frame of mind. I actually took today off as sick. I've started to get a cold and, to be honest, I need today off for my mental health. I need some time to get grounded and start feeling like me again. I haven't been sleeping well and I've been feeling stressed and distracted. I'm hoping I can use today and the rest of the weekend to focus on my self-care.

It's raining today, and I'm by myself in the house. I normally love these quiet, rainy days. I like to putter around the house, drink tea, go on my computer, exercise and read. Today, I feel antsy. I keep on checking my phone and computer, and wasting time online. I can't concentrate on anything. I feel equally energetic and lethargic at the same time. I need to exercise, but I feel too lazy.

I think of my mind and body as a finely calibrated tool. When things start to unravel in my life, I can feel it almost instantly. All these symptoms are a sure sign that I've been pushing myself too much, and that I need a break. I need to get back to feeling like ME again. That means, catching up on my sleep, doing exercise, eating healthily, reading inspiring material, thinking deeply and being quiet.

I can't wait to feel like myself again.

A Good Day

Today was a good day. Nothing special happened. Ben and I worked from home together because of the Tube strikes. I was very productive and finished a task that I was finding difficult. I'm pleased with myself for getting through it, and I feel like I'm learning new skills. I chilled around the house and did some chores that I'd been putting off. Ben and I got to spend some quality time together as well. I'm going to go to sleep early. Ben and I are going to watch some TV before we go to bed.

Exciting day? No. Good day? I'll take it.

Time flies...

Woweee! Can you believe it's been SIX WHOLE DAYS since I last posted?? Time is going by too quickly, and not in a good way...I honestly can't remember what I've done with myself. It feels like I had that conversation with Angela yesterday.

Actually, I have been very busy. My parents moved to London, and I've been walking over to their house every day after work. I normally come home around 9.30-10, which leaves me just enough time to relax before I go to sleep. It's been really nice seeing them. My dad flies to the US permanently on Sunday, so I want to spend as much time with them as possible. Normally I spend time with my mom and snack/have dinner, and then my dad comes home and I hang out for a little while and go home.

Today was really crazy because the Tube strikes were on! I didn't plan them well AT ALL. I ended up waiting forever for a bus, and it was like a madhouse. I have to admit though, it was sort of fun amongst all the craziness. Everyone on the bus was very friendly to each other- I guess we were all commiserating together. Someone kept on talking about ordering a pizza onto the bus, which became a running joke throughout the journey. After I got off the bus, an amazing band was playing in front of Liverpool Street station, so I stayed to listen to them for a while. A girl (who I think was raising money for the band) was dancing with everyone, and she even made me dance with her! So even though it was inconvenient, it ended up being sort of exciting.

I'm exhausted now. Time for bed!

What's in a word?

I was speaking to my friend Angela the other day, and she was telling me she had a breakthrough around comparing herself to others. She realised she was continuously comparing herself to her peers, and she felt insecure about her 'lack of ambition.' It's funny, because I know Angela very well, and I would never consider her to be unambitious. I asked her what she meant by ambition and she said, 'the ability to work until 12pm every night, like other people I know, because I am so dedicated to something.'

I am a huge believer in personal development. I think it's of upmost importance, and a big part of our identity and thoughts is the words we use. It's important to deconstruct the words we use, so we can get to the deeper cause of our feelings. The more complex our vocabulary is, the more nuanced our expressions of ourselves can be.

Source: http://b2bmarketingsmarts.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/Words.jpg

When I asked Angela to define what ambition meant to her, it gave me insight into her thought chain. She was feeling insecure because her peers have thrown themselves into their careers, and appear dedicated by working long hours. Angela felt like she was failing because not only was she not doing this, but she also was not motivated to work long hours. By comparing the hours she worked to their hours, she felt like she was a less ambitious person. This led to an insecurity around her job, and lack of goals in her life.

By questioning her use of words, I was able to get a fuller picture of her insecurity. Following this, we were then able to have a very rich and helpful conversation around the idea of ambition. This led to resolution on Angela's side, and understanding in mine.

It's important to question the words you use. Our communication and thoughts rely on language. Know the words you use, and you will know yourself.

Source: http://sd.keepcalm-o-matic.co.uk/i/keep-calm-and-love-words.png