Questions for myself...

Q: What does abundance mean to you and how abundant do you feel in your life right now? How could you strengthen your beliefs of abundance?

A:

To me, abundance means plentifulness, combined with a feeling of contentment. The word 'abundance' conjures up images of piles of fresh fruit and vegetables, waiting to be shared with everyone. I imagine an abundant life to be one filled with simple pleasures, such as a loving family, good friendships, interesting hobbies and lots of love and kindness. Not necessarily exciting, but fulfilling and meaningful.

I often think about how I feel about the state of my life. My life has been characterised by a need to constantly be searching and improving. Towards what, I can't describe. I have no concrete goals, like 'own a house by 30' or 'save 25% of my income.' It's a very intuitive feeling within me- a feeling of peace with the structure of my life. At the moment, I am far from this feeling, but at the same time, I feel excited that I have made some much progress towards it. I'm proud of the steps I've made, and how well I have gotten to know myself. I have the unlimited love of my boyfriend Ben, who I am so happy with. I have the support of my friend Angela, who understands me. I have my other friends, who have known me for so long and care about me. I have the financial means to do pretty much whatever I choose to do. I have my job, which I am not passionate about, but have learnt a lot from. I have my mentors, who believe in me and believe in my impact. So while there are definitely issues I need to work on, at the moment I do feel like my life is abundant and full. 

When I am in a positive mood, I look at all the progress I have made and all the opportunities available to me, and I feel energised and grateful. When I am in a negative mood, I look at all the things I would like to change and all the work I would need to change it, I feel lost. To maintain my feelings of abundance, I need to invest a lot of energy into my self-care. I have booked therapy lessons to help reconcile my feelings towards my family, and to help create boundaries and reduce my anxiety in my life, which is a significant step towards improving my life that I am excited about. I also need to exercise regularly and eat healthily. I need to reduce my spending and have a more minimal life, so I feel better about my financial situation and meet my savings goals. I need to spend lots of quality time with Ben, since he makes me happy. I need to see my friends regularly. I need to continue to write and work towards my long-term goals. If I do all these things, they will contribute towards me living a diverse and plentiful life. 

The September Issue

I'm embarrassed to say that I completely forgot to write yesterday! I haven't gotten in a consistent schedule yet (actually I have no routine at all, which is terrible) so it's easy for me to forget to write. Well, there's nothing to be done. The past is past, and it's up to me to continue writing.

I've been in a rut recently. I have absolutely no drive or energy. I feel like a slug, lying on the floor. My days are monotonous and I can't seem to get excited about anything. I'm not really sure what to do about this, except eat better, exercise more and try to get into a routine. Last week I saw a lot of people, which left me drained. This week I saw no one, which also left me drained. There's no big event that I'm looking forward to that gives me energy. It's up to me to fill my days with meaningful activity, but right now I'm struggling.

I watched the September Issue on Netflix today. It's a documentary on Anna Wintour, and how Vogue prepares for its September issue. This was the only thing that give me the slightest inspiration today. I love beauty, though I don't think I have great taste for myself. I'm not fashionable, and I don't have any style. Still, I find beauty to be very touching. I like looking at beautiful things, reading beautiful things and hearing beautiful things. That's why I like Memoirs of a Geisha and Okanokumo so much.

It was very interesting to get an insight into the fashion industry. I actually don't care about the fashion world at all. I don't know care about fashion week, look at the newest seasons of clothes or know about the 'it' models. Still, it was interesting to see what employees at Vogue actually do. The fashion industry is a big business after all, that generates lots of revenue and employs lots of people, so from that perspective I enjoyed getting a glimpse of how it operates.

I liked learning about Anna Wintour and Grace Coddington's personalities. Anna is a fascinating woman. She's very interesting looking, and she has incredible presence. People accuse her of being cold, but I admire her for it. Personally, I find it very hard to be reserved. I think I come across as nice, and sometimes unconfident. I am learning how to resist jumping into conversations unnecessarily to fill empty silences. Anna on the other hand comes across as confident. That isn't to say awkward things don't happen to her- they do, but she simply doesn't react. She is so confident in herself that she doesn't feel the need to fix them. It's very powerful.

Grace is the opposite of Anna. She's outwardly passionate about what she does, and she comes across as warm and caring. I love the parts where they focus on her choreographing photoshoots. Everyone says she's a genius, and they're right. Her photographs are imaginative and beautiful, like a dreamworld. I also admire her personality. Anna's personality is far from mine, but realistically I think I am more like Grace. One day I hope I can be the type of woman she is- someone who is warm and strong and enthusiastic.

Overall, I recommend watching The September Issue. It's interesting, and lovely to watch.

How to quiet an anxious mind

I slept poorly the past few days. As a result, I've been feeling anxious. I'm prone to anxiety, and when I feel nervous I start to have racing thoughts that I can't control. I feel a compulsive need to check my phone or my computer, and I feel both awake and tired at the same time. It's a bad cycle, and I hate feeling this way. Here are some tips for quieting an anxious mind:

1) Go to sleep on time

I find that a good night's sleep is the most important factor in becoming less anxious. When I sleep poorly, I tend to get vivid dreams and racing thoughts which carry onto when I'm awake. Going to sleep early helps ensure that you have enough time for good rest at night. This means giving yourself enough time for at least 8 hours, plus an hour or so to get into bed and relax.

2) Breathe

If you're a mouth breather, stop immediately! Start breathing through your nose. Mouth breathing, amongst other negative factors, increases stress. There are numerous resources online if you want to make the switch from mouth breathing to nasal breathing.

In addition to this, slow down your breath. When you breathe deeply and rhythmically, this reduces stress levels. Just being aware of your breath will help you decrease stress, because you will automatically begin to breathe in a slower, more controlled manner. In yoga, this type of steady breathing is called pranayama, which you can learn to do yourself. If you struggle with anxiety regularly, I highly recommend you take up yoga or some kind of meditation. This will help you use your breath to control your stress levels. Doing this sort of breathing has helped me escape two panic attacks, so I can attest to it being extremely useful!

3) Exercise

Regular exercise has been proven to reduce stress. When I'm feeling stressed, I feel both energetic and lethargic- similar to the feeling of drinking too much coffee when you're tired. I find it especially hard to motivate myself to exercise when I'm stressed, but the payoff is worth it. Normally I try to do some yoga, since this has the benefit of making me both and breathe properly. Any exercise is better than no exercise- do a few jumping jacks, or take a walk around your block. Once you get your body moving, you'll find that you have more energy.

4) Eat well

It's tempting to turn to fatty foods when you're stressed, but try to resist. It has been proven that eating a healthy, balanced diet will decrease stress and increase energy levels. Stock your house with plenty of fresh vegetables, fruit, fish and nuts, and get rid of the soda, coffee and candy. Eating well is always important, but when you're stressed, it's a crucial change you must make.

5) Write it out

When I'm stressed, it always helps me journal my thoughts. Most of the time, I know my thoughts are irrational but I can't help feeling anxious. Try writing out the reasons why you're stressed, and what the likely outcomes will be. When I write, I like to add notes to myself like, 'I know this is not likely, but because I am feeling stressed, this is stuck in my mind. I know when I'm less stressed, I will be able to see this rationally.' Writing out each step helps me see the situation clearly, and it also makes me feel like I'm actively doing something to reduce my stress.

6) Reduce your screen time

When I'm anxious, I feel a need to compulsively check my computer and phone. This pulls me into a bad cycle, where I need more and more screen time. Force yourself to stop going on your computer or phone. Put them somewhere where you can't see them. Instead, do something calming, like read a book. If you keep your phone in the bedroom, charge it outside and use an alarm clock to reduce the need to check your phone one last time before bed. Wear a watch, so you don't need to pull your phone out to check the time. I always feel less wired up when I reduce my screen time.

7) Listen to calm music

There are tons of Youtube channels online that have calming playlists. My favourite is Okanokumo, which plays classical music and sets it to beautiful views of the Japanese countryside. I find listening to calming music a great ritual to reduce stress. It actually gives me something to look forward to, since I love the videos.

8) Recognise your stress symptoms

As I said before, I normally become stressed when I mess up my sleep cycle. This leads me to needing more screen time. I also focus my stress on minuscule issues, which I obsess over. For example, when I was a student I came home for Christmas. I can't remember why I was stressed, but I remember suddenly worrying that I would get my council tax bill when I was gone. This became a huge issue for me for days, and I worried obsessively that I would ruin my credit score and when I got back, I would owe a huge amount of money. Of course, this didn't happen, but it didn't stop me from worrying about it. Now, I recognise these symptoms of stress. When I start to focus on these small issues, I can say to myself, 'I know you're stressed right now, which is why you're making such a big deal of it' instead of jumping head-first into my anxiety and feeding it. It's also a sign that I need to start getting into a healthier routine, so I can calm down.

9) Get support

Talk to the people close to you about how you're feeling. This can be your spouse, family, friends and even people at work. This will help them understand your frame of mind, and they will be able to support you. You may even be able to hand off some of your obligations, which will give you the space and time you need to get in a better frame of mind.

10) Seek help

If you find your anxiety is not going away, seek help immediately and book an appointment with your GP. If you're in the UK, here are two great contact lists from Mind and the NHS of websites and numbers. There is no shame in seeking help for yourself.

Conclusion

Everyone deals with anxiety from time to time. Doing to above will help you reduce your stress and will bring you into a healthier, happier frame of mind. If you're currently stressed, I hope this list helps you manage in a more effective way.

Memoirs of a Geisha

Memoirs of a Geisha is one of my favourite books. I've been reading it a lot recently, and I find it really calming to read. The descriptions are lovely and moving, and I love immersing myself in that world. The only thing I don't like about the book is the ending! Luckily I found a fan fiction online with an alternative ending that I find totally satisfying. 

*spoilers*- In the original book, Sayuri ends up as the Chairman's danna, and rejects Nobu. In the fan fiction, Sayuri decides to become Nobu's danna and ends up falling in love with him. I much prefer the second version. It seems more realistic and also less cruel, since Nobu always treated Sayuri so well. Also, the Chairman's character isn't very well-developed in the book. I don't understand Sayuri's obsession with him throughout the book. 

Prior to finding this fan fiction, I always avoided reading the end of the book because I felt so disappointed. Now I just skip to the fan fiction towards the end. Here's the link to the fan fiction:

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10961584/1/Water-Wood

Reading this book makes me feel like being a more refined person. Every time I read it, I feel like I step into a world full of special grace and beauty. 

Networking issues...

Today I am not giving advice. I am asking for advice. I am having networking issues at my work. I need to network with people within my department to find out what projects are coming up, so I can make sure I get on projects I like. The problem I have with this is:

1) I am not interested in any projects, as I don't have an industry or IT focus

2) messaging people without having an interest seems disingenuous

3) I feel like there are too many competitive people in my department, and it makes me feel nervous and awkward

I know I am great at building relationships one-on-one in calm atmospheres. Thinking about building shallow, temporary relationships for projects I like makes me nervous, and it makes me especially nervous when I know people will gossip about me if I make a bad impression. I need to learn how to network in an authentic way that I am comfortable with.

I'll think about this tonight. Expect a blog post on this subject!

Thoughts on workplace efficiency

Written 25/08/2015

Thoughts on workplace efficiency

My unsolicited advice to women in the workplace is this. When faced with sexism, or ageism, or lookism, or even really aggressive Buddhism, ask yourself the following question: “Is this person in between me and what I want to do?” If the answer is no, ignore it and move on. Your energy is better used doing your work and outpacing people that way. Then, when you’re in charge, don’t hire the people who were jerky to you.

- Tina Fey

I like this quote by Tina Fey because it is linked to a concept that I believe very strongly in, which is workplace efficiency. Too often do I see people getting caught up in things that don’t matter at work, like trying to do what everyone else is doing, office politics and gossip, taking on work they don’t want to do because someone asked them to, etc.  Time is an incredibly precious resource, and should be optimised as much as possible. I’ll admit this is difficult to do. I certainly waste plenty of time on things that don’t matter in the long run (shout out to Facebook and Reddit!) but I spend a lot of time thinking about how to best use my time.

This is particularly important in the workplace. People spend the majority of their day at work, so it’s essential to find a way to make this time both meaningful and enjoyable. The only way to be happy is to prioritise the things that make you happy, so EVERYONE should have a good grasp of the things that make them happy. This could be a very simple idea (I like to have fun) to a detailed priority list (I want to get promoted, I want to improve my presentation skills, I want to build my network, etc.)

When you work for a company, especially a large one, you have access to opportunities, networks and resources. By optimising your workplace efficiency, you take advantage of these. Having a set priority list will ensure you jump above the people who don’t know what they are doing. It ensures you don’t waste time doing things you don’t like, don’t need to do and aren’t useful for you.

If you don’t care about getting promoted and just want to have as much fun as possible? – Don’t compare yourself to others. Don’t take on unnecessary work. Just do your job, and leave! People may complain about you, but they don’t matter. All that matters is that you are doing a good enough job, and are using your time to have as much as possible.

If you want to get promoted and reach upper management? – Figure out what upper management want from you, and do these things. Do ONLY these things. Focus on what the people who are important to your career want. It’s no use attending lots of networking events without focus, or taking on lots of projects that don’t ultimately add to your portfolio. You want to become an expert in only the tasks that are useful for your career. Figure out these as quickly as possible and do them as well as possible.

If you want to develop a specific skill? – Do this. In your down time at work, focus on developing on these skills. Build relationships with people who you know have this skill, so they can teach you. Ask if there are any courses you can take on this. Ask your HR or Learning departments if there are any programmes around this. Try to shift your job duties so they align with building these skills. 

Overall, I believe very strongly in having a set of personal priorities that you focus on within the workplace. Obviously there are constraints to this, but you should have a vision in your head of what you ultimately want to achieve. Sometimes people don’t want to achieve anything. They just want to go to work, get paid and chill out in their free time. That’s fine. That’s a priority. Some people care very deeply and have set career goals. That’s their priority. Ultimately, you should know what you want so you can get it from your workplace. At the end of the day, the workplace is getting what it wants out of you (your time and energy) so you must be proactive and get what you want out of your company.

Why saying no is important

Written 25/08/2015

Why saying no is important

Learning how to say no is a difficult, yet essential skill. People who can’t say no help others at the expense of themselves, which results in feeling overwhelmed, drained and guilty. Saying no not only helps you, but it also helps other people. 

1)      There is a difference between saying no and ‘being mean’

People often think saying no to something is being mean, and it’s easy to see why this is the case. When you say no to someone, they often interpret as you being mean or unhelpful, and this is exacerbated when you like the person you are rejecting. Repeat to yourself:

SAYING NO IS NOT A PERSONAL REJECTION!

You must learn how to separate the person from the request. If some anonymous person who you knew nothing about had asked it, would you feel the same way towards it? Would you feel obligated to say yes? Learn how to separate the request from the person asking. By doing this, you give the request your full attention, rather than muddling it with your emotions. In the workplace especially, requests should not be emotionally charged. You may offend people who have not realised this by saying no, but recognise that you have no personal obligation to do something just because someone asked you to.

2)      Saying no helps everyone

If you take on duties you don’t want and are not obligated to do, this drains your time and energy. You won’t be your best self, which means any work you do for that person will not be as high quality as it could have been. Expectations and resentment from both sides may grow. In short, accepting requests creates an imbalance, which can lead to hurt feelings and messiness.

Saying no ensures that you use your time and energy only for things that you care about and want to focus on. This allows you to be at your best, and you should always aim to do be at your best.  It also ensures the person asking can manage their expectations. They don’t want someone who will say yes out of obligation, and then do the work half-heartedly because they feel resentful or are too busy. Or, if they are constantly relying on people to help them out, saying no will teach them valuable life skills. Overall, saying no when you know the request is not right for you is actually more helpful in the long-run than saying yes. 

3)      People respect you when you say no

People think that saying yes to everything will make people like and respect them. This is not the case. You should always aim to be your best self. If you know something is going to detract from that, you should say no. This could be for a variety of reasons: you don’t have time, you don’t enjoy the work, you won’t learn anything from it, etc. If you say yes in spite of this, ultimately people will realise you don’t value your time and you have no direction, because if you did you would decline requests that are not in line with what you want. When you initially say no, people may react in an upset or disappointed way, but once they realise that you are prioritising yourself, they will respect you for it. If they don’t, and they resent you for saying no, then this is a great indicator that this person values themselves over you because no one should expect people to feel obligated to say yes to them.

Conclusion

Saying no is difficult, especially initially if you have always said yes to others. People don’t like hearing the word no, and as a result may be react negatively in the moment. Nonetheless, it is important to power through and see the big picture. Saying no is better for yourself and for others, because it ensures you will not commit to something you don’t want to do. By doing this, the person requesting a favour will either find someone else who is more committed, or if they often take advantage of others, will learn to do it themselves. Saying no will also help you, because it will ensure your time and energy is only spent on things that you want to do.