To be honest, I haven't been feeling my best this weekend. I go into these spirals where I feel demotivated and cooped up in my life. I am trying my best to create a life I want to live, but sometimes I feel overwhelmed by the effort and it makes me feel useless. I hold myself to exceedingly high standards, and I beat myself up when I feel like I haven't met them. It's easy for me to feel like I'm in a rut, and everything goes downhill from there.
Sometimes I think I'm putting too much effort into this. I'm not a very 'fun' person- my idea of fun is investing in my personal development- and I think I need to start letting go of my expectations for myself. When I think too much, I lose my vision for the future and become confused. I really need to start trusting my instinct and giving myself space to play and think.
Some thoughts about my life:
- I hate having a 9-5 job. On the weekdays, I hate being forced into this routine when it doesn't match my body clock. It's very important for me to live a life that is intuitive to my body and personality, and I don't operate at my best when I am forced onto someone else's schedule. I am always tired and stressed on the weekdays, and on the weekends I indulge in too much sleep, screen time, unhealthy food, etc and I end up messing up my schedule even more.
- I don't like working in teams. I much prefer working by myself in quiet spaces. I absolutely HATE the open-space office I work in. I hate it so much that I often work on other floors to get away from everyone. This is really terrible- I actually hide from my colleagues because their presences overwhelms and distracts me. I much prefer working by myself. I would actually like to have a routine where I work every day from the same time, but have breaks at the same time.
- I like collaborating with other people. I don't like to be alone all the time- I like building meaningful connections with people. This is different to teamwork, which (in my mind) involves sharing similar workloads amongst a team. I prefer having my own domain of work that is not affected by other people's work. This is why I would like to become a coach. I work alone, but when I see people, we have honest conversations and build a relationship.
- I don't care too much about money. I would be happy with a middle class life, which is achievable for myself and my boyfriend. I would prefer to do a job I like with less money. At the moment, my current salary is far above what I would need to live happily.
- I hate tight deadlines. I find them extremely stressful, which then impacts my health. I cannot operate under stress. This is why my current job is bad for me- it is constant, short-term projects with a lot of factors I can't control. This is why I dread work and feel overwhelmed.
- I like work with human impact. I currently work in IT, and I am getting my accounting qualification. Both are very dry, and I find them very difficult to learn because they are of no interest to me. On the other hand, I love helping people solve problems involving other people- anything from romantic to in the workplace.
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